No one said that working different shifts is easy. In fact it's
not uncommon for partners to feel alienated, lonely and guilt-
ridden, not to mention the effect it can have on your sex life.

What makes it successful for some is the health of the relation-
ship. "Like anything else, if it's a relationship that has a strong
foundation, anything can happen and they'll still be able to work
through the stress," says Donna Cain-Hlenski, co-director of the
Family Therapy Center in Huntington, N.Y. If there are problems
within the relationship, then the stress of everyday life is often
exacerbated by the alternating shifts.

Even so, the healthiest of relationships can succumb to the
pressures of working different shifts. That's why couples are
advised to stay on top of their situation.

"Couples have to be hyper-aware of how they're doing," stresses
Michael Zentman, a psychology professor at Adelphi University in
Garden City, N.Y. Be on the lookout for signs of emotional distancing.

Ask yourselves if you or your partner feel a loss of emotional
contact or a lack of involvement with each other. "When you begin to
feel like strangers passing in the night, that's a red flag," he says.

A periodic reevaluation of your situation is also recommended.
"All couples need to do that," says Zentman, "but this kind of
couple needs to be that much more on top of it." If there are
problems with the arrangement, changes may need to be made.

Zentman says there are simple ways to make the best of the situation.

-- Keep the lines of communication open by phone, e-mail or fax.

-- Leave little surprises for each other, just to let the other know
they're on your mind even if you're not seeing each other often.

-- Arrange periodic getaways for the two of you to recharge your
relationship.

-- And, just as important, don't forget to take care of yourself.

"When couples have this breakneck schedule, they take care of
work, they take care of the kids, they struggle to take care of
each other and they often lose track of themselves," he says.
"There is a need for individual time as well as together time."

(Debbe Geiger is a free-lance writer specializing in health and
science. She is based on Long Island, N.Y.)

(c) 2000, Debbe Geiger

Distributed by Los Angeles Times Syndicate

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