Knowing "Wife Speak"
From the series, "Husbands, love your wife"
How do you know what your wife needs by what she is speaking to you? As a man, a husband, you are going to find yourself from time to time complaining that your wife doesn't understand you. This isn't unusual. Women and men are quite different in many ways. One of these ways is in the area of unique needs. We sometimes think we know what our wife needs, and even try at times to anticipate those needs. Sometimes causing more problems than solutions.
"Gee honey, I thought you wanted a vacuum cleaner for your birthday?" (fade away to sound of vacuum cleaner going out the window).
Haven't we all made that mistake? Every birthday, holiday, anniversary, you get her a gift and just for good measure you keep the receipt. Because you know you can never get her the right gift. It can get tiring. The problem in many marriages is that the husband gets tired of trying to please his wife and either begins to opt out for "whatever makes you happy dear!", or at worst he just begins to be drawn away. All because he just can't "figure her out".
Yet if we as husbands could just get the language down, you know, understand just what in the heck our wives want, we could go a long way toward our goal in marriage. That goal whether we know it or not, is to care for, take care of, and cherish our wives. That's what we really want (deep inside).
I defy any man in a relationship with a women to say he feels nothing but pride and satisfaction when he has given his wife that perfect gift. Or when he does anything that brings that look of satisfaction on her face. What husband doesn't gush inside when she holds his face in both hands and while kissing him, thanking him for being such a good husband.
So how do we understand "wife speak"?
Primarily there are two steps.
The first step is to realize that the needs of a woman are not the same as the man's.
The woman, no matter what the geographical area, or background has these basic needs. The need for security and the need to be the "first love" in the heart of her man. Men are usually presented as the jealous entity of the marriage, and while that is true some of the time, it is more closer to the woman.
One of the ways you might see this is during the "where have you been?" Scenario. In my own marriage I found it never fails that when my wife goes out with the girls, she may stay our later than "normal". We don't have children at home, so this is ok. Yet I accept it. I trust her. I know her. Yet she will call eventually and tell me she's ok, and on the way home, or she will be delayed.
Now on one occurrence I went to get some ice cream at the store. I decided to make a few other stops on the way. I was gone about an hour. When I got home my wife lit into me like a tiger! "Where have you been!" "I was worried!!" I was dumbfounded. She knew I wasn't out messing around, but she was really scared that something had happened to me. That's not the first time, and it hasn't changed as of yet. What I did do was get us cellular phones, and I make sure she can contact me, and I her.
Yet this showed me yet one of the differences between us and between men and woman as well. As I taught the "Husbands Love Your Wife" seminars a while back, I see this confirmed by both husbands and wives every day. In short: What is nothing to you, is a great deal to her.
The Second Step is that we can't anticipate our wife's needs if we don't know them.
This sounds simple that we might even balk at it. "Hey, I know my wife, she needs this and that!" Ok, that fine. But I have to ask, then "Why are there so many men at the mall on Christmas Eve?" How about the crowds at the card store on Valentines day? Lot of distressed men, looking lost, confused, scared. "I have NO freaking idea what she wants!"
Frustrated you go for the easy out. You know the drill. "Heck, I just give her money...or a gift certificate!" Beautiful man, beautiful. But is that what she really wanted. Often that why we just "get the thing over with", as a kind of "mission" to accomplish. There is no joy in it, its just a duty to be performed.
But wouldn't it be so much better if we could know what our wife wants? Wouldn't it be great to know what she is speaking and from that see what she is really saying? Sure it would.
That's where the basic two needs come into play. Remember? Security and Exclusiveness. Guess what guys? Your wife knows when you hurried a gift purchased for her. How? Because she knows when you're just going through the motions and when you really mean it. "Woman's intuition" they call it.
Whatever the name we pin on it, its true. Women are especially adept at understanding or at least getting close to what we're about. Have you found it easy to lie to your wife? I haven't. She has always seen through me. So she knows when I'm faking it. If I just hurry along, you know, bring a flower and throw it at her she knows I don't mean it. I've done something wrong and its is a mere peace pipe, nothing else.
You have to spend the time to get to know what she wants. That takes an investment in time, which is something we don't really do so well. That means spending time with her shopping in HER store. Watching to see what she likes.
That might mean spending a few hours perusing through dresses, nightgowns, underwear, just to see what makes her smile. It's not an exact science, but it's better than having no idea at all.
However in more profound sense this involves the following traits.
Caring......Listening......Watching.......Learning.
Notice that caring is first. The reason is
that nothing, no planning, or time spending, will make any difference
if you don't care. Caring what your wife needs and wants will
seed the desire to listen, to watch and to learn.