The Ten Commandments of Communication

1. Avoid judgmental words and loaded terms.

Avoid the words that communicate to your spouse that she is
flawed. Ie; "Total lack of effort"...."childish
behavior"...uncooperative....that selfish way of yours....you are so
helpless...poor me attitude.....

2. Avoid global labels.

Avoid attacks on the person. "He/ She is an asshole", evil,
bitch, lazy, or useless. These words attack the person, not the behavior.

3. Avoid "you" messages of blame and accusation.

Avoid using "You" when addressing a problem. For instance
you wife comes home late and you say, "You're always late and spoiling our
evening." Or "You're never around when there is work to be done."

4. Avoid old history

Avoid bringing up old garbage from arguments and
disagreements past. Bringing up the past as a source of constructive
critique may be helpful at times. But in the heat of an argument it might
become a club to harm rather than to help.

5. Avoid negative comparisons.

Don't consistently compare your mate with the negative.
When you bring up a behavioral problem you see in your mate strive to build
up, not tear down.

6. Describe your feelings rather than attack with them.

When you describe your feelings address them directly. "I'm
embarrassed" ....."I'm angry". Do this instead of ACTING OUT your emotion.
Communicate your emotion through intellect, not through outburst.

7. Keep body language open and receptive.

You have heard this before, but it is effective. Watch your body
language. Keep your arms uncrossed. Maintain eye contact. Keep your body
open when communicating to your spouse.

8. Use whole messages.

Whole messages are those which convey, observations, thoughts, needs or wants. Observations are statements of actuality, like a reporter from a neutral perspective. Thoughts are your interpretations of an event or occurrence. Needs and wants are your personal request for something. Try using all of these components in your communications to get the whole message of what you are trying to say across.

9. Avoid Threats

Don't use threats to get someone to perform in the way you want. For instance, "If you go out with the boys/girls tonight, don't' expect me to be here when you get back!" Threats are destructive to a relationship.

10. Use clear messages

Use messages based on clear observation absent from subjective conclusions. For instance don't assume a partner's silence means they are mad at you or that anything is necessarily wrong. The point: Don't play beginning mind-reader.

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