Should you bury your thoughts about divorce and stay together for
the sake of the kids?

   The question prompts testy debate. But the answer is becoming
somewhat clearer, at least to a growing body of social scientists.
Some of the latest controversial research indicates a strong yes,
unless the marriage is abusive.

   New studies will raise hopes in some quarters and hackles in
others. Among findings to be presented Friday at "Smart Marriages:
Happy Families," a conference in Orlando sponsored by the Coalition
for Marriage, Family and Couples Education (CMFCE):

   * About 55% to 60% of divorces occur in low-conflict marriages,
marriages that the authors of the 20-year study call "good enough
marriages" that might be salvaged. Divorces in these low-conflict
marriages are very damaging to children, says sociologist Paul Amato
of Penn State University, because the surprised children have not
been aware of the discord.

   During his 20-year project studying a total of 2,000 adults and
700 of their children, Amato has changed his mind about the effects
of divorce on kids. "Divorce does harm large numbers of children," he
now says. "We should lower the divorce rate not by restricting access
to divorce, but by strengthening marriages."

   * Couples who rank in the lowest percentile on marital
satisfaction but who don't divorce often say they are very happy five
years later, while those who divorce do not. If you are playing the
odds in favor of happiness, "staying married is the better bet," says
University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite.

   In her study of more than 550 adults from a national database, 64%
of those who said they were unhappy but stayed together reported they
were happy five years later, while 50% of those who divorced or
separated felt the same way. "Permanent marital unhappiness is
surprisingly rare," she says.

   Waite believes staying together is better for the children. The
best evidence, she writes in The Case for Marriage (Doubleday,
$24.95), suggests that "most current divorces leave children worse
off, educationally and financially, than they would have been if
their parents stayed married, and a majority of divorces leave
children psychologically worse off as well. Only a minority of
divorces in this country are taking place in families where children
are likely to benefit in any way from their parents' separation."

   The choice, Amato says, is not between staying in the marriage and
being miserable or bailing out. "The choice is often between being
moderately happy in the marriage and getting a divorce. For 55% to
60% of couples, these are not bad marriages. They are just not
ecstatic marriages."

   His study finds two categories of children who are most at risk
for future psychological problems: those who grow up with parents who
stay married but remain conflicted and hostile, and those whose
parents are in low-conflict marriages and divorce anyway.

   "These low-conflict divorces are very disturbing for children," he
says. "The first time they discover something is wrong is when they
come home to find Dad has moved out."Amato says the irony is that
these divorces "occur in marriages where there is some kind of
reconciliation, some kind of positive outcome possible if there were
appropriate intervention."

   Diane Sollee of CMFCE says there is now a substantial body of
research on how to strengthen marriages. "I would not suggest couples
do this -- stay in a marriage just for the sake of their kids -- if I
wasn't convinced that we now have new information about how to do
this in ways that are satisfying and also beneficial for the adults."

   But staying together for the sake of the kids raises red flags for
many researchers. Amato measures only one type of marital conflict,
overt fighting, but there are many other damaging types that children
absorb, says Constance Ahrons, author of The Good Divorce. Telling
the parents to stay together is "just dangerous" for kids. She also
challenges some of his methodology.

   A loveless marriage dubbed low-conflict is not a good environment
for a child, says Stephanie Coontz of the Council on Contemporary
Families, a non-profit think tank of family researchers. "It is so
obvious that if you can work your marriage out, it is an investment
worth doing for yourself and the kids," Coontz says. "But at what
point does intense unhappiness for the parents get balanced out by a
slightly increased chance of success for the kids?"

   Some studies show that 5- and 6-year-olds perceive their parents'
low-conflict marriage as high-conflict, she says. And others show
"boys raised in two-parent families where the parents were very cold
to each other have a harder time showing intimacy than those raised
in divorced families."

   Do you have the temperament to stay together even though you are
contemptuous of your spouse? she asks. "Some cold marriages model
either contempt or female sacrifice" by wives who are afraid to leave
a troubled marriage. She cautions against "playing God in other
people's families."

   Amato does not rule out the need for divorce. "When parents are
miserable in a marriage, maybe they should get a divorce. But a lot
of parents believe that if they are going to be happier after a
divorce, more fulfilled, that their children must be, too. And this
is just not true."

Copyright Karen S. Peterson, USA Today