New rescues for couples on precipice

02/07/2002
Chicago Tribune

   After agreeing to scrap their plans for a divorce, Michael and
Juanita Jordan embarked this week on a journey that countless couples
have also begun--though much more anonymously--by facing one
difficult question: Can this marriage be saved?

   No one but the Jordans, of course, know the private saga of their
relationship. But the near-dissolution of their marriage, which
inevitably became public knowledge, puts a spotlight on the arduous
task of rebuilding a relationship.
   Reconciliation, it turns out, is a growing business.

   In response to a culture awash in divorce, the last decade saw the
blossoming of a veritable industry dedicated to saving marriages.

   "It's easier to get help than ever before," said Diane Sollee,
director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education.
"People are getting it."

   Sollee's Washington-based group of more than 700 therapists and
religious leaders shares a core belief: Marriage skills can be
cultivated.

   "The research shows that couples who stay madly in love disagree
to the same degree as couples who divorce," said Sollee, who is
herself divorced. "The difference is, they know how to handle it.
This isn't about airing your problems; it's about learning strategies
to stop the behaviors that got you into trouble in the first place."

   There are now plenty of places to learn those strategies.

   At the front end is premarital education, designed to teach
couples what to expect and keep poor prospects from ever reaching the
altar in the first place. There are also covenant marriages--
currently available in Arkansas, Arizona and Louisiana--where couples
pledge to get counseling if they have difficulties.

   At the back end, there's a move to dismantle no-fault divorce laws
that have been in effect since the 1970s. Restoring blame, the
thinking goes, will make it more difficult for a spouse to walk away.

   "I think we are in the midst of a very slow but long-term change,"
said John Crouch, a Virginia divorce lawyer who runs Americans for
Divorce Reform.

   In between, there are dozens of programs--such as Marriage-Savers
and Retrouvaille--that aim to mend, not end, a flawed relationship.
The programs teach warring spouses the right way to keep slights from
escalating into disagreements and disagreements from hardening into
bitterness.

   PREP and PAIRS are two other popular options, which are available
throughout the country and run the gamut from a one-day tuneup to a
120-hour immersion workshop.

   Despite all these programs, the statistics have budged only
slightly. The divorce rate hovers around 40 percent, and the
dissolution rate for second unions is even higher. So, say
therapists, the solution is not merely shedding your mate because you
bring problems with you.

   And not everyone applauds the trend. Much marriage education seems
overly trendy, said Ila Chaiken, a therapist at the Lilac Tree, an
Evanston support organization for women going through a divorce. She
fears that the current groundswell will keep women trapped in bad--
or even dangerous--unions.

   "There's a lot of hype," she said, pointing to one suburban
program that "guarantees" to save foundering marriages.

   There is ample evidence, though, that sticking with a marriage can
save it.

   University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite studied couples who
were unhappy, then returned five years later to again take the
temperature of those relationships. Although her final study won't be
released until next summer, she said Wednesday that she found many a
problem had "worked itself out" for the couples. For example, issues
surrounding raising adolescents--a trying time for many couples--
iron themselves out as the kids get older.

   "It certainly makes a case for waiting, for some kind of breaking
mechanism," said Waite, co-author of "The Case Against Divorce."

   "Maybe it will take five years [for a couple] to get back on
track, but what is five years in the context of a lifetime?" she
said. "We have to find ways to slow the process down because it
doesn't just affect the couple, but children, grandchildren . . . the
whole village."

   Contrary to popular belief, only a small percentage of divorces
are due to severe problems, such as chronic substance abuse or
domestic violence. Most marital problems, therapists say, occur
because of problems that are "unequivocally solvable," said Michelle
Weiner-Davis, a Woodridge therapist and author of "Divorce Busting."

   "The overriding question should be: How many of the divorces that
occur are truly preventable? Not preventable just in terms of staying
together for the sake of the kids, but preventable in terms of
helping them rediscover what they love about each other and make
their lives good again."

Bonnie Miller Rubin, Tribune staff reporter

(Copyright 2002 by the Chicago Tribune)