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Talk money before marriage |
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| The News Journal
Delaware Discussing financial issues can help couples avoid falling victim to one of the top obstacles to a happy relationship By LULADEY B. TADESSE Staff reporter 07/02/2001 Christine and Tim Conaway began saving for a down payment on their Hockessin home before they became engaged. By the time they were married in June, the couple already owned their first home and had paid off most of their wedding and honeymoon expenses. "We both have the same views on money and saving and investing," Christine Conaway said. Finance and relationship experts say couples should discuss money issues before exchanging vows. But most don't, they say, and that can lead to marital problems, including divorce. "Rather than six months before, couples don't talk about money issues until two weeks to two-and-a-half months after the date of marriage," said Steven Pybrum, a Santa Barbara, Calif., accountant, couples therapist and author of "Money and Marriage: Making it Work Together." "That's usually when the first argument breaks out." And because men and women are waiting longer to get married, experts say, they are more likely to have accumulated debt. Debt brought into a marriage is among the top three problems for couples in their first five years of marriage, according to a 2000 survey by the Center for Marriage and Family at Creighton University in Omaha, Neb. An earlier study by the Association of Bridal Consultants found that more than 67 percent of couples believe the most serious conflict in their first year of marriage is over spending money. And experts have drawn a correlation between a couple's financial problems and divorce. Some states, as well as civic and religious groups committed to saving marriages, are pushing for premarital education and counseling that address financial issues. Among the topics is the financial well-being of couples and how to communicate on points of contention. "One of the main problems with couples is that they get freaked out when they find out they are disagreeing with their beloved," said Diane Sollee, who heads the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couple Education in Washington, D.C. "It's not really the issue so much as it is that they are disagreeing with their lover." Savers and spenders A couple's first arguments usually are over how the newlyweds are spending money. According to Pybrum, seven of 10 marriages are made up of one "saver" and one "spender." "When two savers get together Š it's very rare Š they are both saving but no one is saying, 'Hey, let's go have fun,' " he said. "When two spenders get together, these people are on the fast track for divorce." Wilmington businessman Keith Harvin, 38, recently got engaged. He said he and his fiancˇe are discussing their financial future now -- a year before the wedding -- in part because of differences in their spending habits. "I am a saver and she is a spender," said Harvin, who is divorced from his first wife. "She recognizes we are kind of different when it comes to money." Harvin said one way they might reconcile those differences is by having separate bank accounts and credit cards, with a joint household account. Christine Conaway, 25, said her husband, 28, is more the saver in their relationship. "I spend more than he does," she said. But she said compromise and communication have helped keep that difference from becoming a problem. Marrying into debt The median age at which people are getting married is at its highest in recent decades -- 25 for women and 27 for men, according to a new study by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University in New Jersey. The "State of the Unions" 2001 report found that as the period of singlehood lengthens, more people are acquiring credit ratings, debts and assets of their own. According to Student Monitor, a research company that tracks marketing of products to college students, about 39 percent of college graduates have credit-card debt, averaging $675. About 44 percent of college students take out loans, leaving school with about $20,756 in debt. "There is more opportunity now to enter marriage with more debt," Pybrum said. And that makes it more important for couples to discuss finance before getting married, he added. Before Tracey Firth of Chadds Ford, Pa., got married five years ago, she told her then-boyfriend about her credit-card debt. "It was something that I thought he should know about," said Firth, 35, who paid it off before the wedding. "I am not saying that people will get unmarried because of it, but it can make an impact on the other person's life." Premarital education Marriage is a journey, said Tom Jewett, director of Family Life Services for Catholic Charities in Delaware. "It's not like you have it all together in the beginning," he said. As a result, he said, it is important for couples to get guidance before they begin the journey. Some religious groups, including the Catholic Church, require couples to take premarital education, or pre-Cana classes. The Conaways completed the course. One of the primary goals is to prevent divorce, currently the result in 43 percent of all marriages. During the past several years, pre-Cana classes have been extended and redesigned to incorporate more financial education. In his 25 years of teaching pre-Cana classes, Jewett has noticed that the average age of participants has risen. But he said their knowledge of financial planning has not increased significantly. "Marriage-prep couples need to be continually discussing financial issues," said Gail Risch, a researcher at the Center for Marriage and Family at Creighton. She said tackling financial issues early on could save some of those unions that end in divorce during the first five years. Credit counselors are among those emphasizing the need for engaged or newly married couples to learn financial planning basics. "Live within your means. That's the advice we give over and over again," said Ray Babiarz of the Delaware Valley Financial group in Newark. Economics of marriage State officials in Maryland, Oklahoma and Utah also have begun promoting legislation that supports premarital education. Some even plan to offer tax credits or discounted marriage licenses for those who take classes. "The reason that governments are interested in funding premarital education is because marriage is such an economic unit," Sollee said. "When marriages break down, it is the government that has to pay the costs." Sollee and other experts say people who are divorced are more likely to file for bankruptcy or need public assistance. Advocates of premarital education hope to convince couples to seek out and use skills and resources that will best help them preserve their marriages. Experts advise couples considering marriage to fully disclose their financial situation before the wedding day -- and to keep the lines of communication open. "You can disagree about money no matter how much or how little you have," Sollee said, adding that what is important is that couples learn the skills to "disagree successfully." |
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