While I intended to go into more
effective communication techniques in this installment, I would like to
take a time out for a few insights. In reality htis is really just a commentary, but
I think it's important when we talk about this subject of infidelity. Weâll
save the ãcommunicationä for the next installment.
Dr. John Grey likes to talk about how
men like to get to the point of a problem or situation. Women on the other hand like to
drag it out, investigate it. When
I have a problem I might talk it over with a friend, maybe my Dad. But that is about it. I make a
decision and go for it. Yes I
do consult my wife as well on many occasions. But I do find myself getting
annoyed if she drags it out a little. Actually she brings up very good
ãextraä points that I havenât thought about yet and that screws my
plan of attack up a bit.
As I said in the beginning I took this
little sidetrack to make the point the majority of men that cheat do so
through the frustration of not being able to communicate their true
feelings or intentions to their mate.
But there is yet another more personal underlying reason.
Sure, we know all the ãclichŽsä
about men ãbeing menä and not showing emotion. About always appearing
in control and strong. But
more beneath the surface is the fact that we are bred to take care of
situations with the smallest amount of counsel, planning and foresight.
The problem with this is that we also
desire in our deeper moments to have all that fall to the wayside and have
someone, anyone see us individually for who we are ö apart from what we
do, or how we play our ãroleä. When
you ask a wife to describe her husband she will respond, ãHeâs a good
husband, father and providerä. Of
course we all hope that is what our wife will say. But there is more. We know it. We used to feel it, long ago
öwhen we were young. Remember?
You know, when we were young? Before marriage, responsibility, children, paying a mortgage? Like the song says, ãWe were
like a rockä. The older we
get the more those days come into our mind.
We see life slipping away. We
see the belly get bigger, the narrowness of life get smaller. Back then the whole world was at our feet. Now all of life appears in a
tunnel. We can see a light,
but itâs small and we almost sense itâs only the end.
In our responsible lives today we are
minding the store. We mind
our wives, we mind our bosses. We even mind our kids. We have to live the part of being
a pillar of the community, a good husband, father and provider.
Thatâs a lot of pressure. And sometimes the pressure builds and the minding goes back to the early ãstrong as a rockä days. We ãwish that we knew then what we know nowä; we might have even preserved it.
Then there comes the desire to return
to those days. The days of
freedom, the days of old.
The movie ãAmerican Beautyä
addressed this issue. It is a movie that every husband should watch. The
ãmoralä of the story was that what we often see as the chain of our
imprisonment is nothing less the reality of our life, like it or not, for
better or worse.
In the movie we saw a husband at on
the verge of insanity because he viewed his life as a trap. He saw his wife as uncaring. He
saw his job as unfulfilling, and his daughter as distant; where he and she
used to be friends. Until
that day when he saw his daughterâs friend. He was absolutely enthralled by
her, mesmerized and infatuated. She was ãthe most beautiful thing he had
ever seen.
Suddenly everything changed. He began to work out. He
returned to his younger days. All in the effort it appeared to be more
ãattractiveä to her.
However in the end when he had his
chance, he finally saw that the girl wasnât the issue. She was merely
the catalysis that cleared the fog. He
saw life as life was here and now, and that the beauty he had tried to
return to was obtainable even in the midst of his own ãmiserable
lifeä.
Every attempt at infidelity is an
attempt to return to those former days.
But even more it is an attempt to escape from the present. It is an attempt to regain those
days when we could be irresponsible and get away with it, when there were
no rules, no boundaries. No better or worse than a drink or drug it is an attempt to
get away from ãmindingä everyone, from behaving ourselves.
The problem is that those days are
gone. They had their purpose
and we have moved on. We now
have responsible lives. We
have rules and boundaries. In
attempting to return to those days we really do ourselves a disservice. We are older and perhaps wiser. But no matter what we can never
return to those days. You can truly never return to the former days, at
least not without consequence.
The question then is whether or not we
are going to accept the enviable. That
is, if we are in a relationship are we going to accept our current state
and grow from there or attempt to regain a lost past. The choice is ours. Remember just as our character in
the movie, we just might not be looking at life incorrectly; there is
always another view.
As we get older we begin a transformation from immortality to a greater sense that we are not here forever. Some call it the ãmid-life crisisä, I prefer to call it middle-crazies. This is usually the point for some men when these desires to live the younger days become the strongest. Itâs like we wake up one day and realize, 10, 20 years has come and gone and we begin to ask ourselves, ãWhere am I?ä Or more specific, ãWho am I?ä
This is normal, we all go through it öand if not you will. The reason question is how are we going to deal with it.
Next ö Greater Communication
Missed Part I? Click Here