What causes men and women to stray from a monogamous relationship?  What is in their mind when they begin to look elsewhere? Well this question is pretty much age old and there have been many approaches to the question and many answers as well.

Yet ãwe like sheep have all gone astrayä.  What, not you?  There is an old adage that goes, ãIf you ever thought about it or have glanced at another of the opposite sex for more than just an appreciative glance, then you were fifty-percent there.ä

 In law enforcement it is said that all that separates the criminal from the law-abiding citizen is ãmotive and opportunityä.

But what causes this glance to gain the other fifty perfect of the proposition?  Those who have crossed the line will say it was because they werenât getting what this new person gave them from their present mate.  Others will say it was the heat of the moment.  Still others have no rational explanation for what they did ö it just happened. 

What leads to this is complicated.  The human soul is still under study. No one really has all the answers for why someone cheats on their mate.  We can really only state from what we can see or at best guess at the causes.  What I want to do here is throw out a few thoughts from my experience with couples over the years.

One thing we can observe for instance is that extramarital affairs usually donât take place in a marriage where the partners are communicating effectively.  When a man and women get in the practice of communicating their needs on a frequent basis there is little room for resentment.  Remember, some people cheat because they feel their partner doesnât understand them, or isnât providing for their needs.  Where a partner feels that they can communicate their feelings to the other, there usually isnât the want or desire to stray.

Therefore we can infer that the lack of effective communication is the key to preventing a partner from looking elsewhere.  Even when crossing the bridge hasnât occurred, in an angry non-communicative marriage withholding sex from a partner is the weapon.  Consequently going over the line with someone else can be an act of aggression in itself. It is like a kind of ãgetting backä at them for ignoring us. 

So then we can see a lack of communication can lead to anger or hurt feelings that cause some people to go elsewhere for their comfort. 

We have all had friends of the opposite sex who were hurt in some way by a relationship and have seen how vulnerable they are.  At one or two times in our life we have been there. We all have the need to be needed and loved and appreciated.  This being true most of us donât tolerate rejection too well. 

When we are rejected we seek someway to ãmedicateä the pain away. This could be something as little as a bowl of ice cream all the way up the ladder to having an affair.  This is especially true in the latter example because we desperately try to reaffirm our need to be desirable.  The power of a new relationship ö like the first kiss ö is a powerful drug.  Which is why it is true that if we crossed the bridge before, we are apt to do it again

What this really gets down to is that nothing is going to prevent us from straying if we feel that we have been somehow ãcheatedä by our mate.  If we havenât the communication skills to talk it over with our spouse we go to find a more affectionate ear. Like the saying, ãYou get a better audience in another country.ä

True, this may be simplistic, but think about it for a moment.  If you have been in these shoes where were you emotionally at the time?  Were you hurt?  Did you feel that your mate wasnât supplying all your needs or maybe none at all?  Is the communication in your marriage or relationship more like ãOver and out?ä  You know, like two radio communicators just going through the motions but not really saying anything?  Did the hurt turn to anger? 

Communication in a marriage is important. But communication is more than just ãHi honey, how was your day?ä or ãWhere are my socks?ä Effective communication is an art that takes time and practice.  In a relationship as close as a marriage there are needs that each has and which are equally valid and important.

When these needs go unfulfilled it is our nature to try to get them met somewhere else. No, it doesnât mean we start looking for someone else right away.  But the door is open.

This brings us to the key to preventing the situation from getting to the point of no return. We have to learn to communicate our needs to our mate in a way that doesnât come off as an attack on their inadequateness.

In part II of this series we will explore these techniques of communicating our needs.