Husbands, Love Your Wife!
Part Four
What is Love?
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In this part of our series we are going to step aside and look at the word "love", since it IS in the title of our series "Husbands, love your wife". What do we mean by the word "love"? More important what do we mean when we say, "I love you"? The reason it is important to understand the definitions of love is so that we can properly apply them in our circumstance. An improper understanding of love may lead us to have improper or unrealistic expectations of ourselves and our mate and others as well., and misunderstandings are the stuff from which marital problems occur. Remember the problem in most marriages is that as men and women we don't understand each other--that's why we can't communicate with one another. If we can have but a glimpse into each other--see the way we think--then we can communicate. If we can understand love better we can stop a lot of the misunderstandings which occur. Communication and understanding is therefore the key to all of our relationships including our marriage relationship. Back on Love..... Words have definitions which vary with use and by who is using them. When I say, "I love ice-cream", it is very different than when I say to my wife, "I love you". Both are love but both are a different kind of love. The love I have for ice cream is more of an affection for a food stuff than of a interpersonal relationship. Yet it is still love. There are hundreds of languages and in each "love" means something different to each. For what I about to expound upon I am indebted to C.S. Lewis, a prominent theologian of the 20th century for his views on love as related in his book, "The Four Loves". There he describes four kinds of love derived from the ancient Greek language. They are: Eros (physical/sexual love, or lust). Storge (Family love, ie; mother's love for her children, brother for brother, etc). Philio (friendship, platonic love). Agape (unconditional love). Each of these kinds of loves are different in both their primary definition and application. But because they are all called "love" they are sometimes confused one for another. Why the ancient Greek language? Mainly because it is the language from where we get almost five hundred of our current English words. The New Testament of the Bible was written in this language because of its precise description. For instance many people have thought they were in love only to find out later it was lust. It as I heard someone said once, "If you think you're in love, take a Seltzer, if you burp, it was just gas." Crude I know, but it has a truth to it. We really call that infatuation. Some call it "love at first sight." In reality infatuation is a kind of love, but a fleeting kind. You may glance at a beautiful girl and think, "I'm in love". The fact is that you know nothing about her other than she is beautiful --on the outside. Inside she may be a monster or worst! Lust is simply desire. I can desire something, but that lust, that desire is only temporary. It last only until I obtain the object of my lust. It is a form of love though, which Lewis referred to as Eros. It is a Greek word from which we get the English equivalent, "Erotica". It doesn't mean that the word or the idea is necessarily pornographic or dirty. In fact it is many times quite actually the opposite. Lust is tied into our biological self. It is a part of our nature--our connection to the animal realm--flavored with reason. It has more to do with the fulfillment of a need (real or perceived) and little to do with committal and permanence. As Lewis pointed out, "Eros makes promises but doesn't keep them". How many promises did we make in the heat of passion? How many do we still make? When we don't live up to the promises we have made we are hit with the "If you loved me you would have kept your promise!" We didn't, we didn't promise it in love, but out of passion. Our resolve lasted only so long as the passion did. Till we conquered and obtained. Then like a quick burn match, the sizzle faded as suddenly as the flare up. What then is the kind of love that people refer to when they say, "I am in love with you?" The answer isn't in some mechanical means. But one which is individual. It can mean many different things to different people.
The majority of marriage how-to books we read tell us HOW to love our wives, but they do not tell us how to form our own way of loving her. This is a mistake because love is an individual masterpiece --it is not a mass marketed product. In fashion you are not recognized for wearing assembly line clothes, but for wearing an original! What then is the basis for this original love? Let's call it Agape. Agape is also a Greek word, in fact it is one which wasn't normally used in Classical Greek except in rare circumstances. Storge (family love), Philio (affection) and Eros (sexual love) were used instead. If you are a Christian you have heard the word Agape used a to describe the kind of love that God is said to have for us. It is a love which denotes unconditionality or "love without expectation of return". Therefore the kind of love which we must have for our wife is Agape love, which is love without expectation of return. That means no matter what, we love our wives. We don't condition our love on their actions or lack of actions on our behalf. We love them unconditionally. How different is this than loving conditionally? How many times have we practiced the love of condition? That is we loved them BECAUSE they were this and that. A popular poem went, "How do I love Thee, Let me count the ways..." You have probably do the same thing. Thinking about how many ways you love your wife. The way she wears her hair, the way she smiles, the way she laughs. How many times have you heard you wife or another love one tell you after you've done something noteworthy, "That's why I love you!" What's the opposite? If you did nothing at all? Would she still love you? Now none of these are wrong in their own right they are a part of the love we have for our wives, but they shouldn't be THE REASON for our loving them. This gets us right to the crux of the matter. That LOVE is a CHOICE, not an EMOTION. Love is an act of the will, not of chemical reaction--a momentary mixing of organic juices. Those things we observe in our wife -- her smile for instance, may make us warm and fuzzy and we think thoughts of love. But when that smile turns into a frown, or worst into outright anger against us, what do we feel then? Do we still feel that warm and fuzzy feeling? Or do we feel something else like anger? That is why our love cannot be based on such variables as mannerisms or actions of people. They change. Emotions are not constant. They come and go with the wind. If I "feel" good about someone, it is because they have done something nice to me. If however they do something awful to me, even five minutes latter, then I don't like them very much. If however, I love them based on a choice I have made, a resolute of my will, then I will love through the mannerisms, through the actions. This I will do even though "I might not LIKE what they did." There is a difference. This isn't easy. It is not easy because tied into conditional love is a matrix of connections to those things which keep all the connections at peace. If that sounds confusing it's not really. Conditional love leads to game and mind playing. Instead of a spontaneous and vibrant relationship, we end up with a scripted game. For instance we LEARN those things which please our wives and therefore we know HOW to manipulate a reaction out of her that in turn benefits us. We know what buttons to push to get her to behave in a certain way advantageous to us. However this isn't love, but selfishness. When you came to find this series you might have gotten the impression that I was going to show you were the buttons were. That's why a lot of people go to seminars and buy books, to find out where the buttons are. True I have told you the needs of a woman. Those Items I addressed in parts 1-3 tell you that her needs of exclusiveness and security are true. But I'm not going to tell you how to carry that out. You have to make up your mind at the start whether or not you are going to love your wife NO MATTER WHAT she does or how she acts. In other words--unconditionally. Not easy I know, but conditional love has conditions. So when the conditions are not met for your love, you do not love, you hate. Love isn't on sometimes, and then off. It is eternal and on all the time. This doesn't mean that whom we love won't do something we hate, but that if we have chosen to love someone we do so no matter what their action towards us was. This doesn't mean we condone their behavior or excuse it. We simply love them in spite of their behavior. No matter what they do to us we stay constant on our love. This is the crux of the issue. Their actions are separated from their person as in we might hate the act, but continue to love the person. Christians call this "hating the sin, but loving the sinner." People who hurt others have an illness, not necessarily in the disease sense but in the spiritual sense. When we love conditionally we react to their symptoms. We are therefore in no position to help them. For instance, lets say you had a relative that was very ill. They racked with pain and are not in their right mind from all the pain medications. Then while you are standing there at their bedside they begin to hurl insults at you. They say hurtful and awful things. Sure it hurts, but in your heart you know that they don't mean it. It's just that they don't know what they are doing. Now would you suddenly hate them and walk out of the room? No, you would still love them, care for them, and nurture them. There are no born relationship experts. Each person in a relationship brings their share of baggage. You have your own, I have mine. Knowing this from the outset will let you "put your guard down" long enough to see where you can light candles instead of cursing the darkness. When you love unconditionally you are committed to helping that person you have chosen to love. You are committed not to "change them", but to help them in the fullest way. Beneficial to them and not necessarily to you. In fact when you love unconditionally you are not thinking of your needs at all. It's not that they are not important, it is just that they do not factor into whether or not you choose to love someone. You may in fact have to sacrifice your comfort in order to attend to theirs. This happens to me a lot. I'll be relaxing on the couch, enjoying my favorite show or game and she will ask me to get her a glass of water. Now of course my first thought is "Sheesh, I just got comfortable, are your legs broken or something?" Yet I get up and get it for her. That hasn't always been the case. But if you learn "wife speak", you will find out that she is not just asking for a glass of water, but for your attention as well. You have a choice. You can get it, or you can make a scene. A small tip. I used to verbally object to all her request. It never gained her favor, and it did start many arguments. In getting to where I am now in my marriage I had to learn to think differently. I began by keeping that first thought, "get it yourself", to myself. It was a start, and after learning more about "wife speak", I stopped thinking that way at all. In fact I beat her to the punch. I get her a glass of water when I suspect she is thirsty. Try it, it beats getting into an argument every time. In choosing to love your wife you have made a commitment to serve her in love. Some of us men have it the other way around. Yet the "secret" of marriage I have found is mutual unconditional love. It is not like two leeches sucking the life out of one another ("Fulfill my needs!!!). Yet that is exactly what many marriages are, "mutual life sucking unions". So by the time a couple get into the counseling office they have been sucked dry. The counselor's job is then to try to find a way to "inflate" them once again. Otherwise will dry up completely, and the relationship eventually dies. This is not easy in a society which promotes selfishness--"look out for number one!" Even in popular psychology we see an ever increasing trend to be selfish. But while it is good to know your needs and have a good self image, and not to let people walk on you, I am here to tell you that if you are ever going find real love you are going to have put others (including your wife) before yourself. Again, this doesn't mean you have to put up with an abusive mate, or with someone who belittles you or demeans you. You're not a doormat, you are your own self. Yet it also doesn't mean you have to stop loving someone. Remember, they are spiritually sick, that is why they act that way towards you. Therefore, be there, be helpful, attend to their needs, except when those needs will harm you. Do you see this? Prior to my present marriage I as married for about two years to a very abusive (verbally and mentally) woman. Yet even though that was more than twenty years ago I still love her. I never forgot my commitment to do so. If she ever needed or asked for my help I would try (after speaking to my present wife) to help her if I could. There is a balance. When you choose to love you do so from your will. You can and should separate yourself from any abusive relationship when to stay would harm you, but you can continue to love that people if you CHOOSE to. It's up to you. While we may not all be religious I close with a quote from the Apostle Paul. He wasn't married, didn't even have a girlfriend. But he learned what true love is. While in prison for his faith, and after enduring severe treatment at the hands of his captors, he penned perhaps the greatest definition of love I have ever read. As you read it it, dwell on it and see where you can ultimately practice it. "Love is never tired of waiting; love is kind; love has no envy; love has no high opinion of itself, love has no pride; Love's ways are ever fair, it takes no thought for itself; it is not quickly made angry, it takes no account of evil; It takes no pleasure in wrongdoing, but has joy in what is true; Love has the power of undergoing all things, having faith in all things, hoping all things. Though the prophet's word may come to an end, tongues come to nothing, and knowledge have no more value, love has no end." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, BBE. |
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Go to Part V (coming soon).
Yet
when I say, "Husbands, love your wives" I am not talking
about some special way of loving her, but of coming to your own
special way of loving her.
Key Points