TALKING TO KIDS: From: Lonnie Bradley lonnie@sisna.com
Children--Our Most Valuable Resource
What can we do is the question that everyone is asking. How can we help? President Bush said, "Tonight I ask for your prayers for all those who grieve, for the children whose worlds have been shattered, for all whose sense of safety and security has been threatened." The question most present in my mind is what can we do to create some semblance of balance at this time in our childrens' lives. As parents, teachers and counselors, here are some guidelines:
1. Know that what your children feel right now is real and frightening, and it's okay to feel that way. Be real. Cry together. Allow your children to express and release negative feelings--anger, sadness and fear. If necessary, help them to go through the grieving process of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, experiencing the emotions of grief, and finally surrender and acceptance.
2. Spend as much time as you can with your children. Create a safe haven for them to come home to. Sit down to dinner together. Create a sense of normalcy in your daily routines. Discuss a designated meeting place to find each other should you need to.
3. Let your children talk, then just listen. Park your brain. This isn't time to console or give advice. It is time to hear and validate your child's feelings. Ask questions that invite conversation such as:
"Can we talk about it? I'd like to hear how you are feeling." "Let me see if I understand. You feel . . . " "I love you and am concerned. Is now a good time to talk?" "I notice you said youÕre okay, but you seem sad . . ." "I get that youÕre really angry." "Is there more? Tell me some more feelings you have about this." "I can see how you feel that way."
4. Help your children to realize that we can't "fix it." Discuss the kind of thinking that dehumanizes people. What happened is horrific, and we can't change what happened. But we can go forward with new direction in our own lives. A wise man once said, "Life's challenges either destroy us or magnify us."
5. Show affection. Hold, hug, kiss, rock, and nurture your children--even your teenagers.
6. Talk about the frightening scenes that your children witnessed on television news coverage. For those children not directly involved, make it clear that this will not become their reality. Help them to understand that the world sometimes isn't a safe place. Real safety comes from within, knowing that whatever happens, we can handle it. We can learn from it.
7. Help your children to know that fear is a choice. Tell your child, "I choose to feel safe." Life is about making healthy, everyday choices and dealing with whatever comes. Teach your child to say, "I can handle it." We can be courageous. Encourage your children to follow the news coverage of people who acted courageously and of service to others..
8. Do the small and simple things that show love--leave a note, make a favorite meal, snuggle at night before bed, etc. Encourage your children to reach out. Service is a great healer and gives children a sense of control over their lives because they are doing something to make a difference.
9. Discuss with them their values. Ask, "What is going well in your life? What isn't? What kind of world do you want to create? What will you do today to make a difference?" Encourage your children to live the kind of life that they believe in--being caring, being of service, being a good friend--the kind of life they want in the world. Hope is not gone. As Gandhi said, "We must be the change we wish to see in the world."
10. Draw close to your faith with family prayer, scripture reading, and attending worship services. In Diane Sawyer's morning news report she asked why we chose the eagle as our national bird? She explained: ". . .because it is the only bird that isn't afraid of the storm." It brings to mind a passage from Isaiah 40: Those who"wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles."
We are a nation destined to soar, and our children are our nation's most valuable resources. Let's prepare our children for the future by strengthening this rising generation.
Lonnie Bradley