In part one of the Anger Series we saw that anger is an emotion and that it is controllable. The reason anger can be controlled is because anger as all emotions respond to what we are thinking about.

So if we are happy or joyful we are thinking joyful or happy thoughts. If we are angry we are thinking angry thoughts. If we are jealous we are thinking jealous thoughts. Granted there are times when things happen so fast that it appears we have no choice in the matter, but no is in control of our minds than us. We can never gain control over our emotions until we take full responsibility for them. We are not at the mercy of the elements or imps that "make us mad" or happy or anything of the kind.

The Bible has a saying, "As a man thinks in his mind, so is he" (Proverbs). Our thoughts are simply our attempt to assign meaning to an event we have encountered. How we process the information on an event is dependent on how we have learned to process similar events in the past.
Now you might be saying, "There is no way I can control my thoughts, much less my getting angry." Yet the fact of the matter is that you can and this part will show you why.

The relationship between events, thoughts and emotions is called the "A B C" theory by psychologists. This formula outlines how we process an event and act on it. The "A" refers to the event. The "B" is the thought that attempts to assign a meaning to the event. C is the resultant feelings that B produced. So in short when we are faced with an event our mind produces a thought about the event.

This thought subsequently produces an emotion. For an example, lets imagine that while coming home one night we are confronted by an intruder in our residence. Our thoughts, based on our experience and instinct produce the emotion of fear and resultant anger.* This fear/anger will prompt a reaction our of us. Either we will fight the intruder or run from them.
Now this is the way that we react to our world - without exception. There is an event, the thought that attempts to assign meaning to the event, and the emotion that follows. There can no reaction without an emotion to prompt it and no emotion without a preceding thought. Because this is way we were designed by nature for the most part it serves us well.

There is however times where it can become a problem. The most notable examples come in the
area of our personal relationships. For instance, your wife is staying out with her friends later than usual and with more frequency than usual.

When she comes home from her night out you snort, "Who's the guy?" The, "A B C's" of this scenario is that C, your emotional response would be impossible without B the thought that preceded it. Consequently the emotion of anger (that caused the outburst) wouldn't have occurred without the thought that preceded it Our emotions, especially our strongest ones like anger are determined by what is called our "internal monologue".

It is also called in some psychological circles as "self-talk". Whatever the name, the way we talk to ourselves is the way we react to others. The reason for the remark about what guy she had been out with is because of your "self-talk" about the event -your wife out with her friends. You made assumptions on her intentions and whereabouts. You knew with enough evidence that she was out with her friends, but your self-talk communicated a scenario different that the evidence. You might not even really believe she had been out with another guy, but your emotions don'' know that.

They are only going to react to the way you are thinking. Somehow the thought that she was out with another man was introduced (far too complex to get into here), and before you knew it you were responding in anger towards her. These assumptions are called "cognitive distortions". All of these distortions can be present or perhaps just a few, but we all have them in some way or another. These distortions are:

Tunnel Vision - seeing only the flaws in your mate.

Assumed Intent - Mind reading, assuming your mates motives.

Magnifying - exaggerating, or making things worse than they are.

Global Labeling - pinning a negative identity on your mate (calling them an idiot, jerk, stupid, an asshole).

Good-Bad Dichotomizing - calling your mate's behavior either good or bad but never in between or neutral. (Either he/ she is doing something bad or not doing anything at all).

Fractured Logic - making a huge conclusion from little or no evidence.

Control Fallacies - making yourself the reason for your mate's unhappiness or making your partner the person at fault and you the helpless victim.

Letting it our Fallacy - assigning the fault for your unhappiness or pain to your partner -believing that they should be punished for it.

All these distortions are based on subjective thinking, or thoughts that are not based on reality. Like we saw in part one this always leads to trouble. As I said anger is controllable if we learn how anger happens. Now before we go any further there is nothing wrong with anger that stems from reality. Anger can be a healthy emotion and need not be destructive. Yet when all the above distortions come into play there can be problems, just like in the example above, you insulted your wife because you let your thoughts go to the extreme with subjective thinking. This produced anger which was not based on reality.

Here is another good example by way of a question. Have you ever been angry while sitting alone at home? Or how about while doing the dishes? Sure you have. You're sitting at home, and you start thinking about what your wife or boss or someone else said to you, maybe it was the day before. As you play the tape of what they said over and over and over again, you begin to react. Let's say you remember that she critiques the way you do the dishes. "Oh yeah, Well that's a load of crap!", You blurt. "Man, she is always criticizing me and cutting me down! I'm sick of it!"
Then as you continue to think about all of the other things you remember she has said over the years. "Yeah, and there was that time she said...." "And that other time she said, "As you continue to build up the "evidence", you start get angrier and angrier. Before you know it you're slinging those dishes around the kitchen.

Now what was the truth? Yeah, something someone said to you - in the past, was brought forward to the future. But where they there when you reacted to it? No, you were there, alone, having an argument with yourself. No one else was there. You were reacting to a phantom. Now taking the critique on the dishes. You assumed that your wife's criticism of your washing skills was meant to "pick-on" you. But what real evidence do you have for that assumption. Did she tell you, "I'm going to pick on you about how you wash the dishes"? What set you off on a emotional
tangent because of a little critique? These are some of the questions you have to ask yourself. Here are some others:

Contrary Evidence - If the evidence for their behavior or comment seems present, is there any other contrary evidence. Even if there is evidence that the remark or action was meant to injure, is there any other evidence to show there was another reason?

Alternate Explanations - Just like contrary evidence is there an alternate explanation for their behavior.

Checking our Assumptions - If we don't confront the person to inquire exactly what they meant, we are assuming. Assumptions lead to disaster most of the time. If you can't confront the person immediately, do so as soon as practical.

The Balance - What are some of the positive aspects of the person? Are we just focusing on their negative traits only? Are they all bad, always bad? To keep our anger in check and the rest of the emotions we need to have a
complete and balanced view on the person.

Bringing the Situation into Reality - Always ask yourself, "What is REALLY going on? Remember that subjective thinking is NO gage of reality. We have to be objective about the situation. We have to stay in the NOW and not project to the future things that haven't happen (and probably won't), or regress to the past, where we are not now, and we really cannot objectively recall all the facts.

These checks will help us keep our anger in check by keeping our thinking in check.

Go To Part One