Something New
Many adjustments made during the first year of marriage
The first year of marriage can be an exciting time, but it
can also be
a learning experience. Decisions are now made for two, and settling
into coupledom can be challenging. As newlyweds adjust to married
life,
what should they expect?
Jim Lucoff of Empathic Coaching Associates [http://empathic.homestead.com]
has been counseling couples for over 20 years. He said many
couples
are surprised that married life differs from their dating experience.
"They think because they have been together a lot before
marriage their
adjustment to married life will be easy. But the commitment
that marriage
brings to a relationship can raise all kinds of issues that were
in the
background before."
The notion that the harmonious period in a relationship has
to wear off
after the wedding can have an awkward effect on the relationship.
"After
the wedding day there is the well-known 'the honeymoon is over'
effect,
where couples quickly get wrapped up in the stresses of day-to-day
living
and lose the romance they had," Lucoff said.
Couples need to remember that even when the honeymoon technically
ends,
the passion doesn't have to cease. "By the time they make
the commitment
to marry, most people probably feel fairly confident that they
know the
person they are going to marry and understand their feelings
about that
person," he said.
Newlyweds would be na?ve if they didn't expect to encounter
challenges
in the first year of marriage. "There are conflicts in
any relationship,
but in the romance and excitement of pre-married life, these
conflicts
are often conveniently side-stepped. After the 'I do's', however,
these
conflicts quickly rise to awareness and couples can be caught
off guard
by the unexpected onslaught of these issues."
A married couple's first fight can really shake the new foundation
of
the relationship. Lucoff said a quarrel can really raise a lot
of
questions.
"When you're newly married and have your first major
blowup it can really
be a shock. You wonder, 'What happened? Are we still in love?'
and
there may be silence between you on that subject for weeks.
But as you
begin to learn how to address conflict, that time can be reduced
to hours,"
he said.
According to Father Malcolm Smith, a priest with the Old Catholic
Church,
the biggest struggle that newlyweds encounter is interacting
effectively,
especially when busy schedules have couples pulled in different
directions.
"I think there is only one marriage problem. It's communication.
When
people learn to communicate, there are no problems," he
said.
Many engaged couples have been working on their communication
skills
throughout their relationships. Non-denominational minister
Lois Huncovsky
said many couples come to her asking what to expect during their
first
year of marriage, when in fact they've already talked through
all the
major issues. "Every couple that I marry, they've been
living together
and a lot of them have been through college together," Huncovsky
said.
"They come here and they really know this is what they
want. They're
so in in love. I smile and say 'Well, do you have your goals
set?'
They're so far ahead of me."
While some couples are prepared for the challenges of marriage,
others
aren't. They know that the first year will be full of conflict,
so they
prepare to start a learning period that will last a lifetime.
"Marriage is
such an important part of our lives that it deserves an ongoing
investment
in lifelong learning," Lucoff said. Newlyweds should expect
the first year
to be both an adjustment and an eye-opener. Spouses should constantly
be
learning more about their partner. As Lucoff explained, "to
stop learning
is to say we know everything we need to know, and that just never
happens
because each year that passes bring us into new situations."
Learning how to navigate that first year of marriage can be
made easier by
pre-marital sessions aimed at both educating and counseling prospective
spouses. Lucoff said there are differences between educating
and counseling
couples. "In counseling, the couple comes to the counselor
with specific
questions and issues that are then addressed in sessions. In
the
educational approach, couples are taught general relationship
skills that
equip them to deal with these issues on their own," Lucoff
said.
The educational approach, which Lucoff favors, teaches couples
skills
to work through any problems. He said the program empowers couples
and
"gives them confidence to talk about difficult issues because
they know
that the skills they've learned provide a safe and effective
way to do
that."
Empathic Coaching Associates teaches the Relationship Enhancement
program,
which was developed over the past 30 years primarily by Bernard
Guerney,
Jr., Ph.D. Lucoff said this program has been called one of the
best
of its kind by researchers. Different formats exist, but the
San Diego
chapter holds a one-day class and then conducts six months of
follow-up
education through email, cassette tapes and the telephone.
Classes are comprised of small groups. An instructor explains
and
demonstrates certain skills. The couple then practices the skills
with
guidance from the instructor, and follow up sessions on the phone
reinforce
the skills learned. While the program is costly at $750, there
is a money
back guarantee if the couple isn't satisfied with the program
at the end of
the six-month period.
If classes are too expensive or couples are too busy, Lucoff
said there
are some relationship skills that couples can learn on their
own to make
a marriage work. He said empathy is an important skill because
it allows
a spouse to see a partner's perspective on an issue even if stances
differ.
Another worthwhile tool is what Lucoff calls "skillful
expressiveness,"
which is "the ability to express your feelings about an
issue subjectively,
honestly, and include in your expressions the underlying positive
feelings
you have about your mate."
Pre-marital courses and counseling are beneficial to couples
looking
to improve their communication skills. Lucoff said many spouses
even
prefer to enroll in classes after they marry, as they begin to
encounter
issues in their marriage that they want to address. He said
in some
states, such as Florida and Minnesota, legislation has been enacted
in
favor of pre-marital courses. Couples who enroll in these classes
are
rewarded with waiting period waivers and marriage license discounts.
Lucoff explained why the law is standing behind marriage education.
"There is a growing awareness of the tremendous cost to
society of broken
homes, and pre-marital and marriage education are clearly seen
as part
of the solution. In the meantime, most people will likely get
married
with little education or counseling prior to their marriage,
and even
less afterwards."
by Kristen Castillo, Weddingpages magazine, Fall 2001.