Domestic Violence

The Silent Cry - Part I

A loaded shotgun was pointed toward her head. She quivered in fear, but her pleading eyes were of no avail as the blast of the gun filled the air. Moments later the family dog lay in a pool of blood, the victim of a senseless killing at the hands of a violent husband.

No explanation was ever given for Tom's action. At the time, his wife, Linda, was in the hospital for major surgery. The dog had been a gift to her. Later while relating the incident to her counselor, Linda said she was lucky to have been away or else her life might have sacrificed during Tom's fit of rage. Although Tom had no real close friends, he was an adequate provider. Yet the man who could be quite charming in public was the same person who had threatened Linda with guns, knives and axes. In spite of the years of constant fear, it was the death of her dog and concern for her children that finally brought Linda to action.

Carol's left eye was swollen shut. There was a two inch scratch on her right cheek. A formerly dazzling smile was now marred by the absence of a lower front tooth. Although Carol was obviously bruised and beaten, the feature that made the pastor catch his breath was the horrible look of fear in her eyes. Pastor John had served as a chaplain in Vietnam, and he recalled that same look in the eyes of young servicemen returning from the combat zone. The eyes looked straight ahead, unmoving, but the impression of stark terror was unmistakable.

These are but a few examples of the more than 3.5 million women who are battered in the U.S. every year. In comparison there are about 250,000 men who are abused by women. However the statistics show that women by far receive the most violence.

The statistics of domestic violence are even more staggering when you consider that 65 percent of all couples engage in some form of physical abuse during marriage. Serious beatings take place in about 25 percent of these cases. FBI figures show that 3,312 people were murdered by relatives in 1992. A spouse killing a spouse accounts for 15 -25 percent of all homicides committed in the United States each year. Estimates suggests that more than two thousand children may die each year from abuse. Closer to home, one in every five police officers killed every year is fatally wounded while intervening in family disputes.

Men who abuse come in all shapes, sizes, races, and socioeconomic classes, and occupations. However studies have concluded that their are factors which are common among most of them.

Personality Characteristics:

Inability to manage anger. Emotions such as anger, sadness, happiness, are a part of who we are as men and women. However, men who abuse have an inability to manage their anger properly. This is possibly because of growing up in an atmosphere where abuse was prevalent, they learned "coping mechanisms" which they carried into adulthood.

One of the greatest coping mechanisms is "suppressed-anger". That is anger which is stifled instead of being addressed in healthy way. Possibly they were taught that anger was not appropriate, or by observing that the only way to "vent" anger was to express it physically.

Whatever the cause, it is acknowledged that anger is a part of being human, and as any emotion it cannot be stuffed away - it must be expressed in an appropriate way, or it will find an outlet - one way or another.

Proper counseling can reeducate a person to manage anger in a appropriate way. Otherwise the abuser will continue to process anger in an inappropriate way and abuse will be the result.

Inexpressiveness. The inability of the person express emotions besides anger. Because of this anxiety, fear, frustration and sometimes even affection come out as violent anger.

This is due mostly to a lack of verbal skills on the part of the individual. He simply cannot verbally compete with his wife or family. This would also explain the "silent treatment" that is used as a "power base" to manipulate family members. In this case the family members look at the abuser's silence as a sign of displeasure with them, so they "keep in line" so as not to anger him.

Yet the more a husband lacks verbal skills the more likely he will be to resort to physical violence in order to settle domestic disputes.

Emotional Dependence. Abusers are usually very emotionally dependent on those they abuse. The major symptom of this is extreme jealousy. The stalker is of this sort. His dependence drives him to seek her at any cost. If he is still living with her, he spends most of his energy "monitoring" the her whereabouts, i.e.; He may time how long it takes her to go to the market from the apartment.

In both cases his dependence comes from a constant need for reassurance from the spouse that he is "OK". However his dependence can become insatiable to the point no one can give him the kind of reassurance he craves. His obsession can transcend reason, and most often leads to violence when he feels threatened.

Low Self Esteem and Lack of Assertiveness. Again the lack of verbal communication and problem solving skills, contributes to the problem. Men who have have been taught through cultural influences that male productivity, being a high achiever, emotionally tough, and dominant over women, are the accepted "norms", feel especially threatened when verbal and problem solving skills are lacking. The frustrations that build up because of this can also lead to violence.

Rigid and domineering application of traditional sex role attitudes. In this case the man becomes controlling of all the family affairs. They expect to make all major decisions, and they tend to become angry if their wives disagree or act independently of their "controlling influence".

Alcohol and Drug dependency. 67% of batterers frequently use alcohol. When alcohol is involved, the injuries sustained are usually more severe. However alcohol while a contributing factor, is not necessarily the cause for the violence. The use of alcohol may be a "excuse mechanism" for his behavior, "I was so drunk, that I didn't know what I was doing!". Consequently treatment of the substance abuse problem will not mean the secession of violence.

Return to Main | Husbands Love Your Wives